My due date is still a ways off when you count the days. When you count the
weeks even.. knowing the ones under my belt aren't even half the way there, I think I have time. But I don't. I DON'T have time to neglect something that has been lingering in my thoughts for years. YEARS! I want to figure this one out- and see it through. Whatever my conclusion is.
So here's my big dilemma....
The dreamy, blessed epidural?
or
A screaming, sweaty natural delivery?
Maybe some of you who have done it natural are put off by my description of it. Or maybe you are like- if only it were even THAT easy! Whatever your thought about it is, and believe me I wanna know what your thought about it is, I just have my own thoughts and feelings to sort out about
both scenarios.
Some of you may wonder why the crap I'm even considering natural. I know. I've heard it all "WHY would you EVER go natural when we have the medicine and technology that we have these days!? Take advantage, woman!" Even I on this very blog, typed these words:
"NO I don't want to EVER try this birthing thing naturally... I've felt those contractions and they are the devil! So yes... drugs please? And may they do their job." That was right after birthing Hyrum, my 2nd. Both my boys have come by way of the epidural. But there is still that part of me... that womanly urge to experience birth as it was intended... or at least, as so many woman have before. I hear there is nothing like it. That although you go through such exhausting pain that afterwards you are just so elated- so lifted- and there is nothing quite like that kind of relief. I'm sorry... but I feel like I'm missing out on something!!!! And I kinda want to know what that's like. Plus, I hear recovery is easier.
Maybe I'm not strong enough? Or maybe it's not all it's cracked up to be? (going natural)
I mean, I had an open mind the first two times about going natural... but as soon as the pain started I couldn't think about anything other than relieving that. I'm worried that I'm only going to be down for a natural birth if my contractions start in the morning... then that way I can have the energy to get through the day. BOTH of my boys were all-night-labors. When I think about being up all day (and knowing how exhausted I feel by the end) if my contractions were to start THEN, of course I'm going to want the drugs so I can sleep peacefully during those night hours, right?! But I know that if I think like that I've already decided... I've already weakened my ability to try this thing naturally by listing excuses why I shouldn't. I just really want to make the decision- that if I AM going to go natural- that I do it now. If I decide to go natural I know I need to prepare myself now and just stick to my guns. I also know I need the support of Tony to get me through it. (Honestly he's in support of the drugs! He tells me he doesn't like seeing me in pain and also- it's kinda nice to get to sleep if you want!) So I need to know what the heck husbands do during all of it.
My biggest worry... is that with EACH of my babies my contractions hit HARD and would hit about every 30 seconds to every minute. What if this were happening for 12 hours or more!? Each of my labors were 12 hours long (and I'm well aware it can be much MUCH longer than that). I really don't know if I can handle that. It scares me... it scares me to think I'm such a pansy I can't take something God designed my body to do- and it scares me that if I try, I will regret it! I hyperventilated when I was feeling contractions with my first labor... my body shut down on me since I wasn't breathing enough/right. Maybe there's too much to learn to prepare myself for a natural delivery and I won't be able to do it on my own? I'm not paying for a mid-wife or birthing coach. So does that mean I might as well forget it and get the drugs?
Then when I think about the perks of the epidural I don't understand why part of me cares to try it naturally. It really changes everything! With the epidural I go from being a crazy mess to relaxed and calm. I get to talk to Tony and family who visit and enjoy the wait. (Although watching the clock is torture). So I guess I'm posting about this because I want to see if you have any reason for me to go natural... if it really is more beautiful and worth it. Is it really worth the pain? Do I really want to know? I just need advice and support if I'm going to decide to do this. Or if you think I should forget all this and plan on the ever popular epidural, I'll take your opinions too. I'm really not opposed to the drugs, I mean obviously. Just wondering about my other option. Really anyone can speak on this matter and anything you can say would be so appreciated as I figure out what I'm going to do. I've decided to open my thoughts up about this because I want to see what I can gain from other people who have been there.
(pictures of Hyrum and I a few weeks ago. At least I know however my baby gets here, I'll still be extremely obsessed with them.)
